And The World Spins Madly On
by Tell Her This
Summary: Repost under new account. A year after Meredith Grey drowned, the staff of Seattle Grace Hopsital remember and evaluate the progress they've made in their own lives.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This is a repost on anouther account, because the other account has been deleted. **

**Alternate version to the ferry crash epsiodes from season three. Meredith died after she fell into the pier. Izzie and George still live in Meredith's house, but Gizzie pairing never happened. Neither did Addison's going to California.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. They belong to Shonda Rhimes. **

* * *

_I woke up and wished that I was dead __  
__With an aching in my head __  
__I lay motionless in bed __  
__I thought of you__  
__And where you'd gone__  
__Let the world spin madly on_

_(The Weepies, World Spins Madly On)_

The alarm goes off, telling him to get up even though he hasn't slept. He doesn't know what had possessed him when he decided to set his alarm to radio setting rather than the normal annoying beep. Today he would have taken hours of that annoying beeping over a few seconds of the radio. He doesn't need to be told that it's five thirty in the morning. He doesn't need to hear the annoying, sickeningly cheery radio presenter telling him that it's the fifteenth of February 2008. He knows that already.

George O'Malley opens his bedroom door and is immediately whacked with the smell of Izzie's baking. Izzie Stevens is the only person who gets up to bake at two in the morning. The sobbing George had heard through the wall told him that she wasn't sleeping either. He was actually relieved when he heard her go to the kitchen at two. George knows that baking is Izzie's way of coping, of relieving stress. He's glad she's got baking because right now all he wants to do is get a bottle of tequila and put Meredith's old coping mechanism to the test. He might head to Joe's after his shift and do exactly that. Cristina, Alex and Izzie will probably join him. He won't be surprised if Bailey or Burke help them destroy Joe's tequila stock. He doesn't expect to see Dr Shepherd there tonight. George doesn't expect to see Dr Shepherd at work today either.

George goes into the bathroom and does the usual 'wash and get dressed thing'. Only today it doesn't feel normal. Today isn't normal. Now that he's dressed he heads downstairs. To get there he has to pass the room that Meredith once occupied; the room that still has Meredith's things in it; the room to which the door hasn't been closed in a year. When George stands parallel to the door, he looks inside and notices how much it looks as if somebody still lives in that room. The bed is made, the curtains are open and a pair of sneakers sits waywardly in the corner. The room seems free of dust too. George knows that Izzie dusts and vacuums Meredith's room, changes the sheets on her bed. Izzie doesn't deny that she does so, and George says nothing about it.

As George walks down the stairs, the mail comes through the door. George picks the letters up and looks in the address windows to see whom they are addressed to. Isobel Stevens. Matthew Smith whoever the hell that is. George freezes when he looks at the last address window. Meredith Grey. George stares at the letter for what felt like an eternity. He doesn't know why or what good it is doing, but he just has to stare at it. A letter for Meredith hasn't arrived for months. Why today of all days? George sighs and places the letter on the table beside the door. He looks at where the letter has landed then his eyes move to the photo frame that sits perpendicular to it. The photo frame contains a picture of him, Izzie, Alex, Cristina and Meredith. It was taken just over a year ago and they are all happy, smiling, even Cristina. The days in which that photo was taken seem so long ago now.

George wanders into the kitchen and sees masses of cupcakes scattered over the kitchen. "Holy baking, batgirl," he says in a cheerier tone than how he really feels. Izzie turns around and looks at him. She smiles at him. George thinks smiling stops her from bursting into tears.

"I'm going to go upstairs and change the sheets," Izzie says, her voice cracking slightly.

George knows she's going to Meredith's room, and he knows it will probably upset her even more today, but it's the norm for Izzie to change Meredith's sheets, so George lets her change the sheets.


	2. Chapter 2

_Time goes by  
And time brings changes  
You change too  
Nothing comes that you can't handle  
On you go  
Never see it coming  
When the world caves in on you  
On your town  
Nothing you can do…_

_Sun comes up each morning  
Just like its always done  
Get up, go to work  
Start the day_

_(James Taylor, Our Town)_

When Dr Bailey speaks to other doctors from other hospitals about her interns, they often say how lucky she is to have only four interns to drive her insane when they have five, six, sometimes seven interns wrecking havoc. She just smiles when they say that. As much as they drive her up the wall, Bailey would give so much to have all five interns again; for it not to feel like there's an empty space where somebody should be during rounds. Her interns are like her children. The other doctors look at her like she's some sort of freak when Bailey insinuates this. They don't know, however, what she's had to pull her interns through. How many times she's wanted nothing more than to hug them and tell them that everything will be all right. Eventually. That they'll smile again. Eventually.

It's going to be a long day, Bailey knows. Her interns are going to be distracted, grief kicking each of their asses today. Leaning against the nurses' station, face with a neutral expression, she waits for them to arrive but wonders how many of them actually will and, of those who do, how many of them have a hangover.

The first one of them to arrive is Cristina Yang. She wanders in solemnly and silently, her head bowed. This isn't much different from any other day, except today when she looks up, Bailey can see the look of utter desolation that is spread over her face. Cristina makes eye contact with Bailey and her eyes scream 'help me'. She bows her head once again, and enters the locker room.

Not far behind Cristina is Izzie, who is closely followed by George. Izzie's eyes are red and puffy, and George's are bloodshot. Bailey wonders how much sleep they've both had. They fork in opposite directions as Izzie enters the locker room and George, Bailey assumes, goes to find coffee.

When Alex Karev comes into view, Bailey's puzzled. He's wandering in casually, a small smile on his face. She eyes him curiously. He nods at her and disappears behind the locker room door.

Now that her interns are gone, Bailey allows her facial expression to fall and her head to bow. Her eyes begin to sting with the tears that are forming in them; the tears she doesn't want anybody to know are forming. She feels a hand touching her shoulder, and she turns round to see the Chief, who looks like Hell in human form. She clears her throat before talking.

"Uh... Chief... I was just, uh..."

He interrupts her. "Bailey, it's okay to be upset," he says softly.

"Excuse me Chief?"

"Nobody will think less of you for being upset, especially not today. Being upset doesn't make you any less of a good doctor, or a good mentor."

Bailey shakes her head in fake annoyance. "No disrespect Chief, but I don't know where you're going with this."

"You have an emotional attachment with those interns. They look up to you like a mother figure. You're bringing them up to be good surgeons, and as much as you'll deny it, good people."

"How can having an emotional attachment with my interns be construed as a good thing?"

The Chief's face softens and he looks her right in the eye, "You're there for them when it counts."

Bailey watches as the Chief walks away in the direction of the elevator, contemplating what he has just said. He was right, and she knows it. Subconsciously she's always known it. She has always saved their asses when they needed help, and kicked their asses when they needed some sense knocked into them. She'd defended Izzie's right to keep her place in the programme after she'd cut the LVAD wire, even though it would risk her own credibility as a surgeon. She'd told McDreamy where to go when he tried to talk to Meredith after Addison made her appearance, because she knew Meredith would wind up getting hurt, even though it threatened her status as The Nazi. Bailey hadn't wanted to live with the guilt of letting her get hurt.

Guilt was an emotion she'd learned to live with since she became a doctor. At first, she felt extremely guilty when she had to tell a family that their loved one had passed away. As the time passed and she got more used to the job she did and informing families she didn't really know of news, the guilty feeling she got in the pit of her stomach eroded until she no longer felt it. That was until that horribly fateful day a year ago. Now Bailey tells families of news, she doesn't see strangers. She sees her interns' faces and she sees the way the of hope in their eyes disappears. When she first became a doctor, she could take comfort in the fact she wasn't likely to see her patient's family again and the guilt would slowly ease. After she called Meredith's time of death, Bailey knew she had a long and painful guilty road ahead. It almost kills her every time she walks into the locker room to find one of them sobbing, because she is reminded that she couldn't save Meredith, and it feels like the guilt is punching her full force in the gut.

Bailey is still looking in the direction of the elevator when Derek Shepherd emerges, walking briskly and smiling. For a moment or two Bailey wonders if Shepherd and Karev have sort of bet going on. Some sort of 'See who gets the most weird looks by smiling all day' thing. If that's the case, Bailey thinks she would have to put the money on Shepherd. He walks to where she is standing and picks up a patient's chart.

"Morning, Dr Bailey," he says in an animated tone.

"Uh... yeah. Morning Dr Shepherd," she says as he walks away.

Bailey looks around her and sighs. She knows this has to happen. She straightens up her scrubs, and walks towards the door. She swears she can hear her own steps. When Bailey gets to the locker room door, she opens it just slightly and peeks in. What she sees breaks her heart. All four of her interns are hovering around in a daze. Bailey isn't sure if Izzie realises it, but she's swaying back and forth while she sits on the bench. Alex is closer to the back wall of the locker room, fighting with an imaginary punch bag. Bailey can tell by his facial expression that the punch bag he's fighting with is really his emotion. George is standing at his locker, aimlessly taking things out of it and putting them back in almost immediately. Cristina is standing at one of the back corners of the room, back to everyone and everything else.

Bailey opens the door fully and all four of the interns look up at her. Right now she really feels like a Nazi.

"Rounds in five minutes, people."


	3. Chapter 3

_If only I don't bend and break  
I'll meet you on the other side  
I'll meet you in the light  
If only I don't suffocate__  
__I'll meet you in the morning when you wake._

_(Keane, Bend And Break)_

Nobody expects to see Derek Shepherd at work today. Nobody expects him to enter the hospital as a doctor. That's why everybody looks shocked when he smiles and says good morning to him or her. They stare at him for a few moments before blinking and responding. He's not offended by that, because he would react if he saw somebody walking into work with his seemingly cheery aura a year to the day after his… dirty-mistress-turned-girlfriend died. Truth be told, Derek Shepherd needs to be working today – he needs to see his surgeries scheduled on the board. Thinking about surgeries means he doesn't need to think about everything else. He doesn't need to think about what he's lost, what he's missing, how he screwed up. Working means he needs to keep up that professional façade. Working means he isn't allowed to break down. And he needs to smile today, because if he doesn't smile then he's frowning and he's crying. The way that philosophy works doesn't make sense, even to Derek, but it does and it helps him cope and it helps him wander in here every day to the place that she died and do his job, saving lives.

What the people giving him confused looks don't know is that when he goes home to his trailer, he can't smile. He just can't do it, almost as if it's physically impossible for him to. He doesn't socialise with anyone he works with at the hospital, which means he doesn't socialise with anyone because everyone he knows here in Seattle works in the hospital. Derek wishes he could, he really does, but the man inside him, the one who isn't a doctor, the one whom the woman he loved -still loves- died, can't see them outside the hospital without seeing Meredith's waxy blue, cold face, and he can't see them without being reminded that she's gone because they couldn't save her because he didn't get to her in time.

So he wanders along the bright, bustling hallways, smiling and saying hello to people as he goes, and stopping to make conversation because it's the only way he can speak to people without crying.

He gets to the OR board and reads it. He's surprised to see that it's quiet. A quiet board means death, according to the Chief. Derek's never quite understood the Chief's logic, so he wonders if it's just an old wives' tale the Chief believes in, and he wonders if it's just coincidence that there's a quiet board today.

Because he has no surgeries scheduled, Derek decides to catch up on paperwork. He walks briskly to his office, once again chatting to people and smiling. Smiling may stop him from crying, but he smiles for another reason. He has hope. He hopes that she's happy wherever she is, and he hopes that she is at peace. He hopes that she and her mother can reconcile on the other side. Most of all he hopes that one day he will see her again, and he looks forward to that day.

He's heard the interns are going to Joe's to drink to Meredith's memory. Tonight he's going to home sob and wail for the same reason.


	4. Chapter 4

_I wake up, it's a bad dream  
No one on my side  
I was fighting but I just feel too tired to be fighting  
Guess I'm not the fighting kind_

_(Keane, Bad Dream)_

When Cristina Yang was nine, she and her father were in a car accident, and she watched him watched him bleed out and die. She did not cry, she did not scream. She just watched in horror, because Cristina Yang does not cry. She didn't cry when Meredith died and she didn't cry at Meredith's funeral. They say she's heartless and cold, that she has no emotion, but they don't know how Cristina copes.

Since Meredith's death, Cristina has felt as if she has being doing her surgical internship for two, and it has given her an extra drive to not be doing all of those rectal exams and being in charge of all of those labs and being stuck down in the pit, all of those things she hates, just for herself. She's doing them for Meredith too because Meredith's chance to be a surgeon was snatched away from her and Cristina still has her chance. That's how she copes. In her locker, along with Burke's favourite skull cap, there's a photo of her and Meredith because it reminds her of why she's here and what she wants to be. She is an intern for her, and when she qualifies, Cristina will be a damn good surgeon for her too.

Bailey has put her on post ops with Alex for the afternoon. On any other day she'd be pissed, but today she really couldn't give a crap. She's been convinced today that fate hates her, because she's already had a patient named Meredith and lost a patient because she drowned in her bathtub. Since then she has walked around in a desolate daze. She's done her what she's been asked to do, but she can't remember it. All that is sticking in her head is the fact that it a year today and her two unfortunate patients.

She's not talking to Alex, but he is comforting her just by being there. She needs someone to help keep her on task, and she's glad it's him because she can't deal with George and Izzie when she can barely deal with herself.

Cristina can hear the television in the next post op patient's room. As her and Alex enter the room, she gives it a quick glance before looking at the patient's chart. She hasn't noticed that Alex has kept on looking at it and watching.

"Did you know that was happening?" He asks quietly. Out of the corner of her eye, Cristina can see him pointing at the television set.

"What?" She replies quickly. When she doesn't get an answer, she turns around to watch the television.

On it are different pictures of the ferry accident and of the rescue operation. All of the pictures are familiar and heartbreaking. She recognises some of the people in the pictures as patients she treated and other doctors and paramedics she'd met there. Her eyes start to nip when she sees Meredith in one of the pictures with a little blonde haired girl. But Cristina Yang does not cry. Cristina Yang does not cry, especially in front of a patient and Dr Evil Spawn. She looks over at Alex, whose eyes are tightly shut and his head bowed.

They both sit in this patient's room for a while, watching with her the televised memorial ceremony for the victims of the ferry crash. The Mayor of Seattle is reading aloud a list of all the names of people who died, but to Cristina it all feels bittersweet, because she doesn't know if Meredith counts as a victim because she wasn't on the ferry when it crashed, but if the ferry hadn't crashed then she wouldn't have been down there to fall off the pier and drown. She watches intently and with each name read out the lump in her throat grows bigger until she hears it.

"Meredith Grey."

The dam bursts. She can't hold it in any longer. Her shoulders start shaking and her stomach feels as if it is contracting rapidly. She can no longer breathe properly and her head feels light because she isn't getting enough oxygen. Cristina looks round at Alex, the loud sounds of her gasping for air acting as a cry for his help. Even through her stinging and blurry vision she can see that his face is crumbling and he isn't strong enough to help her, not right now.

So she gets up and runs.


	5. Chapter 5

_Where do we go?_

_I don't even know  
My strange old face  
And I'm thinking about those days  
And I'm thinking about those days_

_(Keane, Bad Dream)_

Alex had never really experienced death until this day last year. Of course as a doctor he'd experienced the deaths of patients, but he'd never dealt with the death of someone close, or even someone he vaguely knew. He'd never been required to attend a funeral.

He'd always been strictly atheist. There was no God. No Heaven. No Hell. He'd never believed in spirits or clairvoyance either. Alex believed that once you were dead, you were dead. That was it. His opinions changed the day of Meredith's funeral. As he helped lower her coffin into the ground, he refused to believe that his Dark and Twisty sister was going to become nothing more than a buffet dinner for the worms. He wanted to believe that Meredith would still be there, in some weird way.

As the immediate time passed he did believe it more and more, until it got to the extent that he was convinced that he could actually see her. He'd catch a glimpse of her at Joe's bar, throwing back one tequila shot after the other, or see her walking around with them during rounds, or maybe even hear her giggling at one of Yang's sarcastic comments.

When it first happened, Alex felt like he had to be the strong one for the others, because Meredith was Yang's person, and George bought her tampons, and Izzie was Izzie. They were all closer to Meredith than he was, but Alex had always felt he and Meredith had a mutual understanding of each other. There was an unspoken closeness between them that Alex really started to feel when it was gone; when Meredith was gone. So, he metaphorically put his arm around all of them so they could metaphorically lean against him, and so he could help carry their grieving weight. In hindsight, Alex thinks that he tried take on everybody else's grief so he didn't have to deal with his own. As the months since Meredith's death passed, he almost felt as though he could physically feel himself getting lighter as Yang and George started leaning on him less until they were eventually standing on their own. It was weird, but after they started leaning on him less, Alex saw Meredith around less until he didn't see her anymore. At first he was confused, wondering if he was starting to forget her, but soon he realised he was just learning how to deal.

Izzie found it more difficult to stand on her own, so Alex kept carrying her grief until he realised he he didn't mind carrying it for her. In a strange way, Alex is thankful for the positive effect Meredith's passing had on all of them. They all take more time to talk to each other now, and appreciate the lives they are living. The couples make more time for each other now. Meredith's passing brought him back to Izzie, and he can't help but be grateful for that.

Of course, the cynic inside of him wonders if all this would have happened if Meredith had survived. He'd never believed anyone before when they'd said that everything happens for a reason, but looking back today he finds it hard to believe that the good things that happened since Meredith died are just coincidence. It just pains him that such a good person was taken to make them happen.

He walked into work this morning smiling, thinking they could try to pretend that it was any other day. Within minutes he knew that was going to happen.

It's three thirty in the afternoon of a day that is dragging on Alex sits on a gurney in the abandoned hallway. He's been kicked off the case for insulting his patient's religion after Cristina broke down, telling her if God exists then why do good thing happens to the bad people and why do the good people drown? The new attending booted him off the case immediately and he made his way down here. Behind him he heard the patient yelling, "God makes these things happen for a reason," and Alexis beginning to think that maybe she's right. He still doesn't believe in a God or some sort of supreme divine power, but if he hadn't said that to her then he wouldn't have been kicked off the case, and he wouldn't have found himself on this gurney reflecting on the past year.

He's still sitting on the gurney with his legs crossed, his elbows resting on them and his head in his hands, staring down at the ground, when he hears a familiar voice using a familiar tone.

"We don't pay you to sit around doing nothing. We pay you to be a doctor, so go be a doctor!"

Alex raises his head slowly and prepares for the wrath that will follow when he looks the person in the eye. "Dr Bailey, I was kicked off the case for insulting a patient's religion."

"I heard," she says gently as she takes a seat on a gurney next to him.

Alex goes back to staring at the ground, subconsciously waiting for her to yell. It takes him a few moments to realise that she isn't. "That's it? No yelling? No ridiculing? No... being the Nazi?"

She looks at him with kind eyes. "Not today. You know what you did wrong and you know what to do to fix it."

Alex nods to himself and waits a few minutes before standing up and walking away from the gurney. He turns around and looks back at Bailey. "Thank you, Dr Bailey."

"Anytime."

"We're all going to Joe's tonight. We being me and the other interns. You know, drink a tequila shot or two for Meredith. Would you like to join us?"

Bailey looks down at her beeping pager before answering. "I wouldn't miss it."

Alex smiles at her and heads off to his destination.

"Once you're done apologising, make your way down to the OR. You're scrubbing in."

Alex turns and smiles at her once more before heading to the patient's room.

After his apology is accepted, Alex does as told and heads to the OR. He looks up at the empty gallery and he sees Meredith sitting there in her light blue coloured scrubs and smiling. He smiles too, because he knows that even though today is tough, they're all going to be okay.


	6. Chapter 6

_ I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain_

_Now you've decided to show me the same_

_No sweeping exits or offstage lines_

_Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind_

_(Rolling Stones, Wild Horses)_

Addison Montgomery isn't sure if she should be here at this pier today. It's difficult for her to stand here and not cry, and not feel guilty, and not to feel like a back stabbing bitch.

The question that Addison is asked most often regarding her divorce is who does she think was to blame for the end of her marriage.

Addison wants to be able to blame Meredith for the breakdown of her marriage, but she can't blame her the slightest bit, because Meredith was a kind and caring person who just got caught in the middle of the nasty war that was the end of a marriage. Addison wished she could because then she wouldn't be able to hold herself responsible for all the hurt she caused herself, and Derek, and Meredith.

When Addison first arrived in Seattle, she could see that Derek was happy, and so was that intern with the dirty blonde hair. Addison felt jealous because she couldn't remember seeing him that happy with her in a long time, long before Mark Sloan. Then when she and Derek decided to give the marriage another shot, even though she knew she was fighting a losing battle, Addison was smug. Smug as a Cheshire freaking cat. It actually made her happy that she could see Meredith hurting.

When Meredith died, however, all that jealousy and all that smugness turned to guilt and it hurts her. Addison thinks Meredith is getting her own back because she thinks the pain she feels every day is the same pain Meredith endured while she gloated about having her husband back.

The cold February wind is hitting her from the side and she's struggling to keep her red hair out of her face. She can hear some other people around talking, laughing and some of them crying. She can hear the rustling of the sheets of thin plastic wrapped around the many bouquets of flowers other people have laid in memory of their loved ones. Addison takes a deep, shaky breath before kneeling down and placing her own flowers for the woman whom her ex-husband loved.

Addison looks once more at the floral tributes and takes a long look over the pier to the water. She heads back to her car, conscience eased slightly.

For today, at least.


	7. Chapter 7

_God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,_

_The courage to change the things I can change,_

_And the wisdom to know the difference._

_(The Serenity Prayer)_

The first 'Ellis Grey Memorial Medical Conference' is being held today. Richard Webber has no choice but to attend. As the current Chief of Surgery of the hospital where the legendary Ellis Grey did her internship, he received what could be perceived as an honorary invite. He would rather remember Ellis, the woman he loved but couldn't be with because it was better for everyone if he walked away, in his own personal way rather than surrounded by people who didn't know Ellis, only knew her surgical method. It all seems wrong. But to the surgical world, the death of Ellis Grey was what the ferry crash was to the people of Seattle, and it makes a little more sense.

Before the keynote speech begins, Richard wanders round the hall, browsing at the different exhibits. He isn't taking in any information from them, however. His mind is on other things. He wonders why everybody seems so happy when this is a _memorial_ conference. Thinking about it a little bit more, he realises that he is usually the same at memorial conferences, but when you know, really know the person whom the conference is in the memory of, it all seems different.

The speaker has asked everybody to take his or her seat and is beginning to talk. He's speaking of Ellis Grey's achievements. Richard wonders if there will be any mention of Meredith in this speech. He thinks not when the speaker asks the audience for a minute of silence to remember Ellis and as a mark of support for her family. The speaker obviously doesn't know that the only family Ellis had died on the same day she did.

Richard wonders why Meredith isn't listed as one of Ellis' greatest achievements. He'd always thought raising an amazing daughter would have been the main one. But then he has to consider how much of Meredith's turnout was down to Ellis. He knows that Ellis wasn't around much to raise her daughter. He wonders how much of that was his fault. Maybe Ellis and Thatcher's marriage wouldn't have broken down if he wasn't having an affair with Ellis. If he wasn't involved then maybe Meredith would have been brought up instead of dragging herself up. Maybe Meredith would still be here to live her life. It's a long shot, Richard knows, but he can't help but wonder if what he did back then had a knock on effect on everything in Meredith's life and if her death, and Ellis', and the ache he feels every day is God's way of making him pay.

The conference goes on for hours. And hours. And hours. Hours of Richard trying to work out what went wrong, and of him wishing something would numb the pain.

After a long and painful day, he stands outside the door of Joe's Bar for many minutes, contemplating whether or not he should go in. In the end, he turns and walks away, because he knows if he sits in there today, he will hit the bottle, and having spent the best part of twenty years fighting that urge, he doesn't want to fall off the wagon now. So he doesn't go in. He goes home to say the Serenity Prayer and silently he apologises. For everything.


	8. Chapter 8

_Open up your heart, let the light shine in_

_Don't you understand I already have a plan?_

_I'm waiting for my real life to begin._

_On a clear day I can see, see a very long way_

_(Colin Hay, Waiting For My Real Life To Begin)_

Izzie Stevens knows loss. She _knows_ loss like the morgue guys _know _things about death. First she lost Sarah. Given, Sarah didn't die, but Izzie spent nine months with Sarah, through every kick, every scan, every hiccup, loving every minute of the time spent together, but Sarah was taken within an hour of birth. Izzie knew it was for the best, but she felt as if when Sarah was taken away to get that better life, a big of her went with her daughter, and she couldn't get over that. Izzie thinks about Sarah every day, wonders what she looks like today, wonders what she likes, what she dislikes, wonder what she'll grow up to be. Izzie wonders if Sarah knows about her, and she hopes that one day Sarah – Hannah as her adoptive parents named her- will understand why understand why her mother had to give her away.

Then she lost Denny. He died hours after she accepted his marriage proposal. And yes, she wonders what their wedding would have been like, wonders if they'd have had kids and what they'd have looked like. Izzie hopes that one day she'll understand the reason for Denny dying hours after his engagement.

And then there was Meredith.

For a while after losing Denny, and after losing Meredith, Izzie stopped making plans for the future. Why bother, she thought, when everyone keeps dying? It took Izzie a while, and a _lot_ of counselling sessions but she was beginning to look forward to the future. And she began making plans. And having ideas. Like maybe going to Hawaii on holiday next year. And maybe, when she has enough money, she'll buy that house on the corner, the one with the huge garden and the spiral staircase. And maybe, just maybe, when she has her first daughter, her first daughter she can raise and watch grow into her own person, Izzie will name her Meredith.

Alex told her that Cristina is missing. Izzie knows about Cristina's breakdown – the whole freaking hospital does – and she's worried for Cristina. Since she's not been around the hospital – nobody has seen her since the breakdown – Izzie assumes Cristina has gone home so she'll go there to check on her first. Alex and George are already at Joe's so Cristina can't be there or they would have called her.

Izzie steps out of the grand entrance of Seattle Grace Hospital. It's raining. Torrentially. Much like it was the day after Meredith died. Each drop like a like a tear. Every drop seeming to carry so much emotion. It's almost fitting, Izzie thinks.

For whatever reason the hospital car park was full when Izzie arrived this morning, so she had to park in the visitor's car park which meant she has to walk round the side of the hospital now to get her car. As she walks round the side, Izzie swears she can hear sobbing, so she wanders to where the sound is coming from to investigate.

"Cristina, are you okay?"

Izzie knows the answer to her own question. Of course Cristina isn't okay. Izzie can clearly see that. Anybody could see that the woman sitting outside of a hospital in torrential rain and wailing was _not_ okay.

"I know today sucks," Izzie says softly, taking a seat next to Cristina, "but you've just got to hammer through it and hope everything will be okay and hope tomorrow is going to be better."

"The crying," Cristina wails, "I can't make it stop. How do you make it stop, Izzie?"

"You don't. You've just got to let it out," Izzie answers. "And if you ever feel the need to cry, you've just got to let it out. You can't keep it bottled up or you just end up here again. I know you're proud, and I know you try to be all… robot but it's healthy to cry. Do you think Meredith would want you to keep everything bottled up and do this to yourself?"

"No," Cristina says.

"You still wanna come over to Joe's to drink tequila for Meredith?"

"I can't stop crying."

"Nobody will care, Cristina," Izzie says. "We'll all probably be crying at some point."

"I can't let people see me crying though."

"You've already let Evil Spawn and a patient see you crying. How much worse can it get for you than _that_?" Izzie jokes "Maybe it will do you good to be out and talking about everything. Maybe you'll feel better. And if that fails you can always get really drunk."

"Well I do like that idea," Cristina says laughing and crying at the same time. "Hey, Iz. Thanks."

"No problem," Izzie smiles back.

Izzie is pleased when Cristina gives her a hug. Not only because she's Cristina and never hugs anybody, ever, but because she knows she has helped Cristina. That's why she became a doctor – to help people. And she knows she helped Sarah by giving her a better life, and she knows she helped Denny to die a happy man. But it hurts her that she couldn't help Meredith. No one could. But if she can help her friends get through it, then she knows she's doing well.


	9. Chapter 9

_Sleep my friend_

_At last be free_

_No, we won't forget our merriest melody_

_(Vertical Horizon, Goodbye My Friend)_

When George O'Malley walks in Joe's Bar at the end of his long shift, the place is practically empty, save for two people whom George assumes are on holiday and of course Joe. George rather wouldn't be here. He'd rather be at home sleeping, or watching a movie with Izzie and Meredith. He'd rather Meredith was alive. But she's not. Since she's not, there's nowhere he'd rather be than with his friends reminiscing about the good times, and remembering Meredith. He sits at one of the round tables, and saves it for when the others get here. There are only four seats at the table. George knows that's not enough, so he takes three more. That should accommodate himself, Izzie, Alex, Cristina, Bailey, Joe (who has asked to join them for a little while) and Meredith, he thinks. Then he realises Meredith won't be coming to Joe's tonight nor will she be coming to Joe's any other night, but he leaves a chair out for her anyway.

Bailey is thankful today has been a relatively quiet day. It meant that her interns could catch up on paperwork and have a somewhat 'easy' day, medicine wise. She's almost thankful for Cristina's breakdown today. Bailey knew that Cristina was holding in all her emotion, and she could see how much it was affecting Cristina. She was still the overly competitive suck-up she always was, but something of her character changed. She lost her sarcasm, her sharp wit. Bailey hopes she gets it back, because she's just not Cristina Yang without it. Bailey's also thankful for Alex being kicked off the religious woman's case today, because he had time to think and consider things, and maybe he's learned to be more respectful of patients' beliefs. They've all learned things from today, and from Meredith's passing. Bailey has learned to appreciate life more, and spend more time with the people she loves, and also to be little more compassionate with patients and her colleagues. Bailey walks into Joe's bar. She'll only have one or two drinks with the others. Tonight she wants to go home to play with her son.

Alex is the next person to walk into Joe's. He knows tonight is going to be tough, tougher than today's shift. But in a strange way he's looking forward to tonight because he thinks that maybe they might be able to move on just a little bit more, and they all need it. He goes to sit down at the table.

Izzie and Cristina are last to walk into the bar. Both are soaking wet. Cristina knows that everyone can see she is crying. She doesn't care.

Joe quickly wipes the bar, cleaning it of spilled beer and other alcohol. Alex is shouting him over to the table, and asking him to bring the whole freaking bottle of tequila with him. Whenever one of his customers orders a tequila shooter, Joe thinks of Meredith. He even had one of his regular customers ask where she'd gone. "Where's that girl?" The man asked. "The one with the dark blonde hair and always orders tequila." Joe spent the half hour after that explaining that Meredith had died. The customer was shocked, completely. He said he'd had many a conversation with her. It made Joe think about how everybody has an impact on everyone else's life. He thought about the impact, as small as it maybe, Meredith had had on his customer's life, and it gave him a little comfort knowing she was a well-remembered figure in his bar. He's not going to admit it, but Joe is secretly willing the foreign couple sitting in the corner to leave so he can close the bar. He thinks the guys should be able to remember the Meredith with a little privacy. "Sorry, we're closed," Joe says when a man walks into the bar. "Private function," he adds. When the man looks round questioningly at the group of doctors at one of the tables Joe adds, "It's their function." The man leaves, as do the tourists within minutes. Joe walks up to the door, and flips the sign over so it says 'CLOSED'. Then he goes sitting at the table, bottle of tequila in his hand. "Shot for everyone?" he asks, and they all hold their glasses up.

Derek Shepherd has seen the customers leaving and Joe switching the open/closed sign. He's also seen the interns, and Dr Bailey in there, so he knows they're still going ahead with their Meredith memorial drink. He's standing in Joe's car park, mulling over going in to join them. This is the first time he has ventured out for any other reason than work, and it's taken a lot of guts just to get here. He's scared. He knows he could get into Joe's and he might just break down completely. Joe's was where he met Meredith for the first time, and it might just be too much to bear, sitting in there, remembering that first meeting and thinking about how she's never going to be here again. But at the same time he thinks that going in there and speaking with her friends, and hearing other people's memories of Meredith might help him cope, and help stop Meredith's waxy blue face being the predominant image when he closes his eyes. Maybe it will help him see Meredith smiling when he closes his eyes. He wants to go in, but he's not quite sure yet, so he sits on a wall and waits until he has enough courage to walk in there.

When they are all seated Izzie was the first one to say anything. "You know what we should do," she says keenly, "We should all go around in the circle and say the thing we'll remember most about Meredith."

They all mumble variations of 'good idea'.

"Dr Bailey, why don't you go first," Izzie offers.

"The thing I will remember the most about Meredith Grey is the way she fought so hard to try to get us to help the woman impaled by the pole after the train accident," Bailey says. "I remember that because it just showed how much she cared about her patients."

"May I go next?" Joe asked.

Nobody objects.

"One word: Tequila."

Everyone laughs.

"You took mine!" Cristina whines jokingly.

There's a soft knock at the door. Joe stands up and walks toward it. "Can't people read a 'closed' sign anymore," he mutters.

"Good evening, Joe."

"Good evening, Dr Shepherd," Joe answers.

Derek walks into the bar, and braces himself for what reaction may follow. The interns are looking at him, and he knows that none of them know what to say. The interns turn to look at Bailey for the answers.

"It's good to see you, Dr Shepherd," Bailey says sincerely.

"Please, call me Derek."

"We're remembering Meredith," George blurts out nervously. He's not sure if he should have said anything.

"Would you care to join us?" Cristina asks.

"Yes. Yes I would."

Derek sits on the spare, empty chair; the one that George had left out for Meredith, even though he knew she wasn't going to sit on it. George thinks that maybe Meredith made him set out that chair because she knew that Derek would be there tonight.

"The thing I remember most about Meredith," Cristina begins, "is her being my person."

Nobody is exactly sure what this means; yet they understand the sentiment at the same time.

"The thing I remember about Meredith is how we used to sit in the kitchen with a tub of ice cream and just talk about men and life and everything," Izzie declares.

"I remember how she always tried to make things up to you and she always apologised sincerely if she wronged you, and how she was so forgiving," George adds.

"I'll always remember how she got drunk and slept with inappropriate men," Alex laughs, forgetting Derek is there. "Sorry Dr Shepherd," he mumbles.

"Would you like to say something, Dr She- Derek?"

"I would. Very much," Derek answers George's question smiling. "Lavender. I'll remember her lavender conditioner. Her laugh. Her smile. Her stubbornness. Her determination. And I know she's watching over us all. I know she's my OR. I know she's in the cafeteria with you guys at lunchtime. And I think she's here with us all just now, listening to us talk about her, and probably making a mental note to kick your ass Karev."

They all laugh and agree.

"I know she's with us, all the time," Derek concludes, smiling. He closes his eyes, and so is Meredith.

"I'll drink to that," Cristina says smiling. She looks round the table, and they're all smiling.

Derek raises his glass of tequila and says, "To Meredith."

Everyone raises his and her own glass. They all speak at the same time: "To Meredith."

The night is here, the day is gone

_And the world spins madly on_

_I thought of you, and where you've gone_

_And the world spins madly on._

_(The Weepies, World Spins Madly On)_


End file.
